How to Handle Crunchy Conversations
Addressing the Awkward, Dealing with the Difficult, and Tackling the Touchy Topics
Have you ever needed to address something potentially awkward or hurtful?
Chances are, if you have people in your life, you’ve needed to confront a difficult conversation. Whether in friendships, family, or business situations, there are times when we must address the issue at hand, no matter how much we’d like to avoid it.
Our financial strategist, Chris Guimond, uses the term “crunchy conversation” in his dealings with our clients. In his realm, these conversations are revolving around the financial health of an organization. And, I’m sure you know, financial issues are often taboo or ignored by many small business owners. This happens for many reasons, some are afraid of what they will discover, some take great pride in external appearances, and others want to maintain distance between their books and any outsiders.
More specifically, it makes us vulnerable.
These “crunchy conversations”, or tough topic talks, have the potential to make us extremely vulnerable. It’s not unique to finances, but any topic where it is uncomfortable to address the underlying issue.
What is a “Crunchy Conversation”?
A crunchy conversation is one that is almost guaranteed to result in some discomfort for those involved. It may be peer-to-peer, employer-to-employee, spouse-to-spouse, or friend-to-friend. As humans, we have relationships with people around us and occasionally difficult issues arise that we need to address.
Crunchy Conversations & Maintaining Relationships
At Kickstart Kings, we believe that relationships trump transactions. Meaning, at the end of the day, relationships are more important than closing the sale or moving on an opportunity. The people matter.
With that in mind, we’ve seen a lot of wrong ways to deal with difficult conversations. Since many of us want to avoid conflict, we go out of our way to not address these crunchy conversations. But if you have decided to address the issue at hand, and want to maintain a relationship with the other person, it is important that the entire conversation be framed correctly.
One popular method of having difficult conversations is called the “Sandwich Method.” Basically, sandwiching “bad news” between “good news”, or negative information between positive information.
I am not a fan of this approach at all.
I believe it leads to disingenuous conversations for both parties. First, the initiator must “make up” some good news before and after what they really want to address. Secondly, the receiver completely ignores the first part because they sense a big, “But…”.
Following the actual point of the conversation, they don’t hear the secondary “good news” because they are still reeling from the bombshell thinly wrapped in candy coating.
Instead, I prefer a more direct approach when dealing with awkward or uncomfortable conversations.
How to Have Crunchy Conversations
There are a four elements to a “successful” crunchy conversation.
- Fair
- Factual
- Direct
- Dialog
Let’s dig into each of those more:
1. Fair
If you are the initiator of a potentially awkward conversation, be fair to your receiver and consider their wellbeing
It is entirely unfair to blindside your receiver just because it is convenient for you. Consider what they are in the process of doing, what they will need to do after the conversation, and how they will reply.
Are they walking into a huge presentation? Just about to go on-shift? On vacation? Put yourself in their shoes, in that moment, before deciding to go ahead with the conversation.
Additionally, it may be appropriate to give some heads up to mentally prepare them for what is coming. For example:
“Paul, I have a difficult issue that I need to address with you. I’d like to discuss this at the end of the day, how does this work for you?”
2. Factual
In addition to being fair, be factual
While it may be unintentional, it is easy to let emotion and assumptions creep into these conversations. Make sure you have rehearsed what you want to say ahead of time and stay focused on facts. Prepare how you will present your conversation and maintain facts and not emotions or assumptions. If you must use emotions or assumptions, pre-frame your sentence with wording like, “From my perspective, it appeared that …. [assumption].” This maintains a fact-based conversation because you are not projecting the intent of the recipient on your actions.
3. Direct
Beating around the bush dilutes your message
Because of our adversity to conflict, we often dilute our own message by trying to ‘soften the blow’ when delivering difficult news. This leads to mixes messages, confusion, and frustration.
Instead, be direct in your conversation. It is possible to be direct while respectful.
For example:
“Thanks for joining me today, Paul. Like I said before, this is a difficult discussion, but for the sake of our relationship, I want to address is directly with you. The way you handled the situation yesterday is not aligned with the core values of our business. It reflected badly on the brand, the customer, and our team. As a result, the other leaders and I have decided that you are not a good fit for our organization and it is best to part ways at this time.”
4. Dialog
A difficult discussion is made easier with two-way dialog
Once you have said your piece, it is critically important to allow the recipient to have an opportunity to respond. You must realize that the best time for them to respond may not be in this conversation. While you have had time to mentally process the totality of the situation, they may be hearing this for the first time — and may be caught completely unaware. It is possible that you have leveled allegations against them, misspoken/misread a situation, or even based your conversation on a falsehood.
Nothing ruins relationships like miscommunication.
Understand the recipient is likely to respond in a position of emotion and not mental clarity. Their first statements will be fueled by a fight or flight adrenaline dump. Whether this is a tough conversation with a loved one, co-worker, partner, or customer, their perception is their reality. Keep in mind, their perception may still be wrong — but it is still their reality. It is necessary for you, as the initiator, or accept whatever they say as true to them in that moment.
(Remember, for a long time, it was believed that the world was flat (the perception). Even while that was popular opinion, it was still proven to be wrong.)
Crunchy Conclusion
Having tough discussions, or “Crunchy Conversations”, can be very difficult and uncomfortable, they will arise. As leaders in our households, businesses, small groups, or partnerships, we need to know how to appropriately address these awkward situations.
Make sure you are direct — not beating around the bush to “soften the blow”; operating in facts — don’t let emotions creep into your decision or discussion; fair — meaning you are considering the welfare and emotional state of your recipient; and dialog — giving time for healthy discussion after the fact. Allow them to speak their piece to clarify or articulate their feelings.
Healthy relationships can grow stronger and more vibrant when potentially volatile conversations are framed correctly. By operating from a positive posture, we can get retain the relationship — which, ultimately, is the best outcome.
